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read if you want, it's just ramblings on feelings and such. - kissthebabysky

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April 16th, 2011

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02:32 am - read if you want, it's just ramblings on feelings and such.
I guess I'm really a coward. I don't like showing weakness and vulnerability even though I know it's impossible for a person to be strong all the time. I hide behind fandom and bimboness so that people think that I'm not someone you have to take seriously. Feeling weaker than ever because instead of letting my fandom protect me, I've to protect it instead. Fandom was a place where I didn't have to face my own fears or feel emotions about things in my life, it was a place where I didn't have to think. I don't dare to let myself think, I'm always afraid that the more I think, the more I'll feel and that everything will overwhelm me one day. It makes me appear shallow but it makes life easier. Otherwise the feelings will crush me and small things will make me cry. I suppose I live a self-imposed loneliness? Letting people in, it's really not easy, they can always just walk away and leave and I'll be left with longing and feelings that I don't know what to do with. I've built walls and the closer you get, the higher the walls. If you can really take the time and effort to climb them, I trust that you won't leave so easily. Maybe I have trust issues, I don't know why. I don't say serious I love yous easily, anyone who knows me knows that. I don't like talking about deep emotions and feelings that I have, not unless you confess them first. The closer you are to me, the more I'll act tough and hide my feelings. But despite all this, I trust that you know me well enough to know how important you are to me. I may not say it often enough but I really love all of you, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so afraid of people leaving, I'm afraid that if I burden you with my emotions, you won't want to stay by my side anymore. I know it's stupid and ridiculous but always be with me. I feel so uneasy without a single one of you by my side. There are days when I'm not okay but still I smile and pretend to be because I don't want people to worry. There are times when I lie and say I'm fine but when really, I want you to know that I'm not and just stay with me till I'm better. Sometimes I wish I was selfish, strong and a bimbo so that I could really not care about anything or anyone. 
Current Music: Checkmate - Yunho

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