June 19th, 2011
|06:57 am - OT5 (or if you prefer, (I'm) waiting for Rising Sun~)|
The wait gets tougher each day. Every day I tell myself to be patient, to wait because the next day might just be the day they come back. It's really not easy at all. To see the fan wars, to hear people calling the members unpleasant names, to see how unhappy all the five are, to have to hold on to the past so tightly, to not know the future. Every little thing breaks down my faith every single day. But then each day I go on twitter and see how hard these 5 men are working, whether as 2 or 3 or even on their solo activities, and I'm like, "how can I give this up?"
I want to hold on, tighter than ever, no matter what happens. If they come back as five to perform then I'll cry tears of joy with them. Even if they don't, I can still proudly say that I held on to the very end. But until they tell me to give up on them, there is no way in hell that I will let go. Watching them perform, it hurts. Whether as 2, 3 or 5, every performance hurts in a different way. Old videos of five make me think of what they could be now if things were still the same. Videos of 2 and 3 have me filling in the spaces that seem so empty to my mind. Thinking about them makes it difficult to breathe. But I've held on for so long, how am I supposed to just let go so easily?
It's caused them pain and hurt that you can see in their eyes even though they try to hide it. Late nights when Jaejoong has been drinking, his tweets spell out the emptiness that he (probably them all) feels. Jaejoong's drinking more than ever and he seems to be depressed despite his constant display of cheeriness. Yunho's smile doesn't quite reach his eyes anymore and the expression on his face when he talks about the 3 is not betrayal like one would expect and I catch a glimpse of the stern, kind leader I'm used to. Yoochun's abusing himself with work and he's grown skinny beyond imagination. Junsu's tears are much closer to the surface now and when he sings, there's a raw pain that was never there before. Changmin pretends to be fine and his emotions are hidden away deeper than I've ever seen. As much as I'm hurting, I don't believe for a second that I can be in more pain than they are. I love them but I don't know them, they've known each other almost ten years now, and a separation after being together for that long, it'd hurt. Even if the pain they feel is just a little worse than what I'm going through, I'm beyond proud of how they're going through with everything.
Painful as the separation is, I can't help but admit that it's helped all five to grow, whether musically or just as human beings. They're all trying out new things, like musicals, dramas, directing, song writing and ice-skating, and watching them makes me feel like a proud mother who's watching her children grow up.
Whatever they might be doing right now, they're essentially still the same people. They've never lost that heart of eternal gratitude to fans. They bow and bow and bow and they hold that bow for so long that I sometimes wonder if they've fallen asleep but then they straighten up and thank Cassiopeia some more. They cry tears of gratitude for a Cassiopeia that has waited and whenever, wherever, they never fail to mention Cassiopeia in their thanks. They've always been so precious, thinking that Cassiopeia'd leave them just because they were gone for a moment. I'm grateful that they are people who love the ones who love them. They've never once lost that hardworking spirit within them. They exhaust themselves so much that I worry about their health more than anything. They do their best in all that they try.
It's strange how much I love these five men who I've never met. It's strange how I can be willing to put myself through so much for them. It's strange how I can force my impatient heart to slow down and wait for them. Whatever they do, I'll love them. If they're wrong, I'll chide them but they will always be in my heart. Youth is prone to mistakes but it is through these mistakes that lessons are learnt. I believe in them, not just as stars but as people, human beings who will make mistakes and learn from them. I started out liking their voices and the harmonies they make when they are five but I grew to love them as people because I cried with them, laughed with them and grew with them. This is why I keep the faith. It's no longer a choice but a responsibility I feel that I have towards these five young men. The wait will be worth my while. Whether they come back together is no longer an issue because I know that I will be walking with them for the rest of my life, when we have kids and we're old and wrinkly, they'll still be my TVXQ and I'll still be their Cassiopeia. It won't matter even if I'm the only one.
One day, a normal day, I'm going to wake up and go to school. My fingers will be tingling and I'll wonder why. I'll come online like usual and I'll see that everyone's typing in caps-lock and declaring their joy. I'll read more and see the reason why. Today will be the day TVXQ come back as five.
Current Mood: strangely calm
Current Music: Rising Sun
I hate the stans, they makes everyone think Cassies are immature and whiny :<
I heard that Yunho's was only 7 years long which means even if it started from his debut, it's already expired but he hasn't recontracted? I heard Changmin's was 9 or 11 years! It'll take a long while to expire D: I guess it was probably at debut that the contracts started, since there's clauses for how many years of work in which countries and so forth~