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December 26th, 2013

10:07 pm - To think I almost forgot.
I found this in my mac; translated it back when they'd just released Mirotic and I was still with Yunho-sshi.

Do you still remember those words?Collapse )

D: I really don't think it needs to be further explained because it's so beautiful. It was such a joy to be the one translating this because it was so touching. This was something meant for all of us and it was gorgeous beyond words can describe. <3
Current Music: 넌 나의 노래

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08:09 pm - 미안해, 동방신기.


I'm sorry.Collapse )

Current Mood: More than apologetic.
Current Music: Hug - 동방신기

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February 3rd, 2013

03:56 am
I...... Don't think anyone reads this anymore but just in case, I've mostly moved over to yourheartisgone.livejournal.com

I might return to this place someday, but likelier than not, I'll be staying there instead.

You know where to find me. 

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September 29th, 2011

05:25 am - But I don't care, I'll always be here
Loving you with all I got, I don't care if you love me or notCollapse )

I guess what I'm really trying to say here is: I love the boys for being who they are, no matter what; that they've taught me things I wouldn't otherwise learn from anyone else; they will always be the very best in my heart because they deserve that and more.

Current Mood: at peace
Current Music: Still in Love - Kim Jaejoong

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September 19th, 2011

03:03 am - Because your heart is empty ♫
I'm not okay at all. I can't exactly pinpoint what's wrong but I feel empty. It's ridiculous and the smallest things make me cry, I feel so lacking in every way and being unable to control my own tears... it makes me feel like crap. I don't want much, I just want to be happy but it feels like, I'm in my own way of happiness. I'm not particularly optimistic but I like to think that I believe in my future. Lately... it just feels like everything is hopeless. I can't even talk about it because there really isn't much to talk about. I don't even particualrly want to talk about it because I'll end up crying and ugly. I wish someone would hug me and tell me to suck it up and move on. Maybe I'm really alone after all. 

I really really don't want to be stuck in an office job and be miserable for the rest of my life. I only want to travel and get married and be happy. Why does life have to be shitty and deny me? ;__; I really have zero fighting spirit fml. I think if I somehow got a disease/went blind/deaf/whatever, I would just give up on life and kill myself. 
Current Mood: ;__;
Current Music: Kiss したまま、さよなら - 東方神起

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June 23rd, 2011

03:15 am - Just free your mind~
 Watching drama unfold on twitter. Every night, without fail, fandom wars occur. Always the same things. JYJ stans fighting Homin stans fighting OT5 fans. 

Everything is Yunho's fault. He failed as a leader. He let 3 of his members leave. He still cannot sing. He makes one small mistake and everything is suddenly 'Yunho doesn't deserve to be the leader, thank god JYJ left.' 'I watch Kiss and Cry to see him fall.' 'Ha, he's getting old, no wonder he's always injured.' 'He's arrogant and rude.'

Jung Yunho made it his responsibility to wake up before everyone else so that he could wake them up, no matter how tired he was. He knows what to do and is the one who takes on responsibility the best amongst 5. Whenever someone even comes close to hurting Jaejoong, he'd stare down the person. He loves his members like brothers. He continued protecting the name TVXQ for 5, because people were starting to forget it. He has this nostalgic smile whenever he talks about the 3, even though it must hurt like a bitch to talk about them performing as separate units. He worked hard on his singing and now even with colds and stuff, he still does better than the average idol lead singer. He's been skating a matter of months, naturally he'll make mistakes. Cruelty just because you feel betrayed? That's not cool at all. And really, old? He's 2 days younger than Jaejoong, who's old now? He bowed, with Changmin, longer than any other artiste at SM Town Paris even though they were the most senior, the most respected, the ones with the most to be proud of. That's arrogance? Then what are Super Junior, Girls' Generation, Shinee and f(x)? 
So tell me, how is everything his fault? He and Changmin made the choice to stay, Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu chose to leave. You're faulting him for something 3 grown men, with their own opinions, chose to do? He's sacrificed more than you. To judge him based on one thing, how unfair. Blaming him just because you can, just because to your petty little mind, he's the enemy. And yet Changmin lies unscathed. You squeal over Changmin and his body. You laugh at his snarkiness. But he made the same choice as Yunho. Why's Yunho the one taking all the blame? Why don't you blame them all? Blame Jaejoong for being greedy and wanting what should be his. Blame Yoochun for wanting freedom. Blame Junsu for leaving SM, the place where he practically grew up. Blame Changmin for choosing to stay with a company that he deems acceptable.
Jaejoong and Yoochun tattooed 'always keep the faith' on their chests. The 3 have expressed time and again that they wish to be 5. The 2 have said they're waiting for the 3 to return to them. Clearly they hate each other. I've always found it ridiculously unfair how JYJ got so much support while Homin were just left to rot and die. Argue that Homin have the protection of SM, they can go on TV shows, they have the freedom to do what they want, promote wherever they want. JYJ can't go on broadcasts, they can only conduct activities that rely on fan support. But Homin, they have the protection of SM, so what? Fans are abandoning them left and right, calling them hurtful names all the time. JYJ get called names too but their stans... they are insane. They patrol the internet like cops and anything that supports Homin is instantly bashed, whether or not the person also supports JYJ isn't important. Hiding behind k-fans isn't right, applauding them when they do something well and then differentiating yourselves from them when they make a mistake. How can you actually feel proud of yourself? Best of all, accusing people of keeping information from you when they don't translate things and then accusing them of trying to stir up fan wars when they do; please just make up your fricking mind already. I'm not even surprised that so many people just choose not to translate anymore.
Everything is insane right now, it's like Twitter is a battlefield and you have to pick a side or die. You can choose to hide behind a shield of neutrality but one wrong word and insults come flying. Wonderland wasn't this ridiculous.

Current Music: My Destiny - Toho5hinki

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June 19th, 2011

06:57 am - OT5 (or if you prefer, (I'm) waiting for Rising Sun~)
The wait gets tougher each day. Every day I tell myself to be patient, to wait because the next day might just be the day they come back. It's really not easy at all. To see the fan wars, to hear people calling the members unpleasant names, to see how unhappy all the five are, to have to hold on to the past so tightly, to not know the future. Every little thing breaks down my faith every single day. But then each day I go on twitter and see how hard these 5 men are working, whether as 2 or 3 or even on their solo activities, and I'm like, "how can I give this up?" 

I want to hold on, tighter than ever, no matter what happens. If they come back as five to perform then I'll cry tears of joy with them. Even if they don't, I can still proudly say that I held on to the very end. But until they tell me to give up on them, there is no way in hell that I will let go. Watching them perform, it hurts. Whether as 2, 3 or 5, every performance hurts in a different way. Old videos of five make me think of what they could be now if things were still the same. Videos of 2 and 3 have me filling in the spaces that seem so empty to my mind. Thinking about them makes it difficult to breathe. But I've held on for so long, how am I supposed to just let go so easily? 

It's caused them pain and hurt that you can see in their eyes even though they try to hide it. Late nights when Jaejoong has been drinking, his tweets spell out the emptiness that he (probably them all) feels. Jaejoong's drinking more than ever and he seems to be depressed despite his constant display of cheeriness. Yunho's smile doesn't quite reach his eyes anymore and the expression on his face when he talks about the 3 is not betrayal like one would expect and I catch a glimpse of the stern, kind leader I'm used to. Yoochun's abusing himself with work and he's grown skinny beyond imagination. Junsu's tears are much closer to the surface now and when he sings, there's a raw pain that was never there before. Changmin pretends to be fine and his emotions are hidden away deeper than I've ever seen. As much as I'm hurting, I don't believe for a second that I can be in more pain than they are. I love them but I don't know them, they've known each other almost ten years now, and a separation after being together for that long, it'd hurt. Even if the pain they feel is just a little worse than what I'm going through, I'm beyond proud of how they're going through with everything.

Painful as the separation is, I can't help but admit that it's helped all five to grow, whether musically or just as human beings. They're all trying out new things, like musicals, dramas, directing, song writing and ice-skating, and watching them makes me feel like a proud mother who's watching her children grow up.

Whatever they might be doing right now, they're essentially still the same people. They've never lost that heart of eternal gratitude to fans. They bow and bow and bow and they hold that bow for so long that I sometimes wonder if they've fallen asleep but then they straighten up and thank Cassiopeia some more. They cry tears of gratitude for a Cassiopeia that has waited and whenever, wherever, they never fail to mention Cassiopeia in their thanks. They've always been so precious, thinking that Cassiopeia'd leave them just because they were gone for a moment. I'm grateful that they are people who love the ones who love them. They've never once lost that hardworking spirit within them. They exhaust themselves so much that I worry about their health more than anything. They do their best in all that they try. 

It's strange how much I love these five men who I've never met. It's strange how I can be willing to put myself through so much for them. It's strange how I can force my impatient heart to slow down and wait for them. Whatever they do, I'll love them. If they're wrong, I'll chide them but they will always be in my heart. Youth is prone to mistakes but it is through these mistakes that lessons are learnt. I believe in them, not just as stars but as people, human beings who will make mistakes and learn from them. I started out liking their voices and the harmonies they make when they are five but I grew to love them as people because I cried with them, laughed with them and grew with them. This is why I keep the faith. It's no longer a choice but a responsibility I feel that I have towards these five young men. The wait will be worth my while. Whether they come back together is no longer an issue because I know that I will be walking with them for the rest of my life, when we have kids and we're old and wrinkly, they'll still be my TVXQ and I'll still be their Cassiopeia. It won't matter even if I'm the only one.

One day, a normal day, I'm going to wake up and go to school. My fingers will be tingling and I'll wonder why. I'll come online like usual and I'll see that everyone's typing in caps-lock and declaring their joy. I'll read more and see the reason why. Today will be the day TVXQ come back as five. 
Current Mood: strangely calm
Current Music: Rising Sun

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June 17th, 2011

06:46 am - ramblings.
 If I keep telling myself that I'm happy, will I really be happy?

If I keep telling myself that I'm okay and that everything will be fine, will it really be?

Been listening to Leehom a lot these days in addition to my dongbang stuff and all the memories and sadness that overwhelms my heart whenever I think about those five fools that I love so much reappeared. And I started thinking about my own life. Obviously everyone sets out to do something with their life, to fulfill dreams but I feel so lost and unmotivated. It feels like I'm drifting in this vast ocean of possibilities and yet I just let the tide take me where it may. I want so badly to know which direction I want to start sailing in but somehow, I just can't muster up enough heart to decide. 

Sometimes I feel like I want to just leave Singapore and take a world tour, travel around and do odd jobs for money and live a life where I drift yet find joy in the small things in life. And then I remember all the people I love and I feel like I can't abandon all of them, not forever. And yet, it feels like they are tying me down with their expectations and hopes for me and I don't even know what to do anymore. I want to break free of everyone's image of who I should be and just be myself but right now I have no fucking idea who I am either. It hurts to even breathe.

I wish I were a child, then I could just live a carefree life at a time when searching for your own identity isn't even a deal. Those were the times when people meant what they said, I'm so sick of having to decipher people's words and having to deal with their emotions. I wish the world were still innocent and I could still hold on to the rosy glow with which I viewed the world.

In this world, you really are alone, there will be people who will be with you but ultimately you have to fight your own battles. I feel like I've run out of strength to fight anymore. It's so tough and I just want to crawl up somewhere and hide and cry and be safe forever. All this isn't even because I've lost faith in myself, I feel like I've lost faith in the world. Watching people I love be unhappy, people who don't deserve all the shit flung at them, makes me wonder if there really is a god. And if god does exist, why the hell is he allowing such things to happen to them? Why doesn't he tell me what to do, give me a safe presence in such a time? If he knows all, then he should by that logic know that these things are going to happen, and use his omnipotence to change them because he obviously knows about all the tears we shed. 
p.s. Happy birthday, idiot. Sorry I had to be so despondent and angsty on your birthday. I kinda hope you don't see this because I don't really know how I feel about you so please don't email me even if you do see this by some strange stroke of luck. 

Current Mood: forever angst ;_; wae
Current Music: 愛 在哪裡 -王力宏

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April 19th, 2011

02:54 am
People are ridiculous, they can make up rumours to protect what they believe is right, not caring about who their rumours will hurt. When others say things that aren't true, dispel the rumours rationally, don't just go all out immediately to smear their reputation. Why do you have to sink to their level if you know you're right? Just say what you have to, and go. Leave it at that. What people choose to believe, it cannot be helped. As long as you know the truth, that should be enough. Don't waste time trying to change people's minds. Just because the previous choice of slander has now failed, you don't go try picking up a new way to slander others, it makes you look childish and uncredible. If you're going to insult him, do you really just expect him to ignore everything and take it as it is? Some people may be patient enough to know to ignore you but not everyone are saints, okay.

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April 16th, 2011

02:32 am - read if you want, it's just ramblings on feelings and such.
I guess I'm really a coward. I don't like showing weakness and vulnerability even though I know it's impossible for a person to be strong all the time. I hide behind fandom and bimboness so that people think that I'm not someone you have to take seriously. Feeling weaker than ever because instead of letting my fandom protect me, I've to protect it instead. Fandom was a place where I didn't have to face my own fears or feel emotions about things in my life, it was a place where I didn't have to think. I don't dare to let myself think, I'm always afraid that the more I think, the more I'll feel and that everything will overwhelm me one day. It makes me appear shallow but it makes life easier. Otherwise the feelings will crush me and small things will make me cry. I suppose I live a self-imposed loneliness? Letting people in, it's really not easy, they can always just walk away and leave and I'll be left with longing and feelings that I don't know what to do with. I've built walls and the closer you get, the higher the walls. If you can really take the time and effort to climb them, I trust that you won't leave so easily. Maybe I have trust issues, I don't know why. I don't say serious I love yous easily, anyone who knows me knows that. I don't like talking about deep emotions and feelings that I have, not unless you confess them first. The closer you are to me, the more I'll act tough and hide my feelings. But despite all this, I trust that you know me well enough to know how important you are to me. I may not say it often enough but I really love all of you, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm so afraid of people leaving, I'm afraid that if I burden you with my emotions, you won't want to stay by my side anymore. I know it's stupid and ridiculous but always be with me. I feel so uneasy without a single one of you by my side. There are days when I'm not okay but still I smile and pretend to be because I don't want people to worry. There are times when I lie and say I'm fine but when really, I want you to know that I'm not and just stay with me till I'm better. Sometimes I wish I was selfish, strong and a bimbo so that I could really not care about anything or anyone. 
Current Music: Checkmate - Yunho

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